Goodbyes

The Silvergrey Sea

Part Seven: What Is and Should Never Be

Goodbyes

* * *

I spent the week after the wrap up meeting relaxing and recovering from my ordeal. I met with Abram almost daily, just to shoot the shit.

I meant to visit my daughter, but something kept me from doing so; something I did not care to examine. There was so much about her I didn’t know beyond the normal things; her mental as well as physical maturity after only a handful of days of existence being the biggest one. Professional busybody that I am, talking to her would normally have been the first thing I did. But I didn’t.

The day of my departure, an insistent young Hermetist reminded me of my meeting with the Chief Archivist just as I had finished packing up my meagre things.

So much for a clean getaway. I really did want to know more about the Miu Empire though, so I decided to go to the appointment.

She was polite when I sat down with her. I would have been comfortable but for two things. The strict no smoking policy and the library itself.

The Archivist’s office was a tetrahedral room at the core of a massive archive that brazenly defied the laws of gravity and sanity. Everywhere I looked while on the way, people were walking on transparent surfaces at odd angles to the proper up-and-down of us regular folk. Having to participate in this violation to get to my rendezvous was intimately disrespectful to laws I honoured with greater fidelity than I did the laws of humanity.

I grilled her, civilly to be sure, for over an hour. I got a painfully complete history lesson of the Miu’s presence in the Pleroma and later in the Thirty Aions. As it was a special occasion, I used a stylus and writing paper, scribbling notes furiously to keep up with her colourful tale. She remarked enthusiastically about my little affectation for quill and parchment, for which I would always remember her fondly.

* * *

I got a far as the docks before my second interruption, a summons from my old friend. I was surprised to arrive at Abram’s new office, which was adjacent to, but thankfully not in, the library.

First, he informed me he would be stationed at the Mother Lodge from now on, having finally received the promotion to Archives he’d dreamed of since his Acolyte Year. His temporary ascension to the highest office in the Order was ended and a new Mercurius had been elected, I was also informed. The newly minted Archivist handed me a large purse with enough Hermetic scrip in it to allow me to retire, if I so chose. I feigned a sincere reluctance to accept the Hermetists’ generosity, but not so hard Abram might actually take my money back.

I asked him who would be replacing him on Noir, and he lied to my face.

Giving me a weak deadpan expression, my old friend told me it would be an internal promotion. The sneaky bastard had a surprise for me and wasn’t about to spill it. Though he knew I could read his poker face, we both pretended I couldn’t as we toasted his new position.

* * *

I accidently ran into Drago on my third attempt to flee.

Mercifully, this interruption was brief.

“I’d like to thank you, Heinrich, and to apologize for involving you without your knowledge. You’re a much better man than I gave you credit for when we first met.”

What could I say? I was. “Forgiven, old son. What will you do now?”

He looked up at the impressive ceiling of the hall in which we were standing. “I have a chance at life again, centuries before I would have wished it. I have all the memories of all the lives I’ve lived, something I’ve never had before.” He looked at me. “I think I’ll explore the Aions. See what’s out there. Mayhap, I’ll help some people along the way.”

It seemed a wise choice. I said as much.

“And you, sir?”

“I’m headed home. I’ve had enough adventuring for one lifetime. The seamy back alleys of Santo Mortis await.”

He gave me a genuine smile and an actual hug, at which I was too surprised to feel my habitual discomfort.

* * *

My last encounter before finally getting off home was with Toi. I had not been avoiding my daughter in the last week, not really. I just hadn’t sought her out.

The reason became clear to me that last day. I had become very confused and more than it little uncomfortable when I thought of her.

Barely a month gone, I was the only family I had had for the twenty some years since my mother’s death. A mate and offspring had never been on my to-do list, and I was happy with that.

Now I had to deal with this exquisite creature who was one of those to me and threatening to become the other. I didn’t know what to do with all these damned feelings I suddenly had. To say I was merely conflicted would fail to elucidate the raging turmoil within.

One the one hand I was a proud daddy, which I loved and would never get used to. On the other, I felt an all too familiar attraction to a woman whose beauty I was literally dreaming about. I never had sappy romantic dreams about women; well, not unless sex was involved, anyway.

One of those dreams of Toi had been exactly that, and I awoke to the effects of that same unholy elixir of shame and carnal hunger familiar from captivity on Hyborea.

I wasn’t an idiot. I knew why I was feeling all these things. Family minus childhood proximity always equals cloyingly sweet emotions and—more often than not—squeaky bedsprings. I’d seen it more than once in my profession. I also knew that I didn’t care for these feelings. My life had been much simpler when all I’d had to worry about was my own ass.

Confession time. I could not have made myself leave without a good-bye. So when I spotted her, I didn’t run away. That was just as good as seeking her out, and fuck anybody who says different.

Toi was standing with a group of Hermetists near a ground level crossing of this insanely big blue pile of—stone? (I guess?), most of whom appeared very new to the uniform. She was in animated conversation with one of them. She was again wearing grey Hermetist-cut clothes, just as I was.

I had to say goodbye.

Get it over with, Tranker.

I strode toward her. Someone spotted me and placed a hand on her arm. She turned to see me, and that smile again lit up her face as it lit up my soul. There it was again, that feeling of pride and, dare I think it, love.

“Father.”

I folded her in my embrace. Damn it, Tranker! Men don’t blubber like schoolgirls!

I held it in until we separated. I didn’t have the opportunity to wipe my eyes. No matter, hers were glistening, too. The same warm grey eyes that looked back at me in the mirror most mornings. She was only a couple of inches shorter than I. Raven black slightly wavy hair from my late father and my own youth, as well. Toi had my brow and cheekbones, her late mother’s mouth and chin. A sad thought for that poor woman-child on that far away world.

“I’m off home, Toi. Just wanted to say goodbye. What will you be doing now that everything’s over?”

“Become a Hermetist.” She shrugged. “It seems the best way to get the accelerated education I sorely need.”

Hardly a shock. “Will you—” I swallowed a lump in my throat, mortified. Finally, clearing my throat I managed, “come visit your old man sometime?” My voice didn’t break, for which I was proud.

She answered, “I will. First chance I get. You are my only family, after all. Uhm…” Now it was her turn to struggle.

“What is it?”

She couldn’t meet my eye. “Is there anyone —” she looked up at me—“special in your life, Father?”

The question caught me off guard. A little filial jealousy, perhaps? Not that unusual. It couldn’t be what I was feeling. That would be…I didn’t have a word for it, but if I had it would be something that meant wonderful and terrifying all at once. “No, I don’t. And I prefer ‘Dad,’ if it’s all the same to you.”

Her grin widened and her voice broke, as she said, “Dad.”

“Don’t start or you’ll have me going. I have a hard-bitten, cynical, drunken reputation to uphold.”

Her answering laugh chilled me with happiness.

My daughter. Never had I thought any words with such joy.

When we’d both stopped our giggles, she spoke again, less unsure this time and more hopeful, damn my eyes, “I was asking because I thought we might…get together, when I come see you.”

The sense of her suggestion was made crystal clear by her expression. Fuck me sideways.

I didn’t know what to do with the intensity of this sudden feeling I had, at once profound love and bottomless lust. I’d never had even a ghost of these feelings for anyone before, and now I felt them for this woman before me. “You certainly know how to knock a guy off his pins, girl.”

“You’re offended.” Her expression quickly became one of mortification.

“No.” I pulled her into another embrace. I wasn’t. I was just uncertain of my feelings for the forty-seventh time in the last five minutes. Into her ear I whispered, “I’m flattered and more than tempted to take you up on your offer. In fact —” deep breath —“part of me would love to spend an evening with you.” I pulled away but kept my arms at her shoulders. Her misty-eyed, quivering-lipped smile did nothing to calm me. “When you come see me, we’ll have a good long talk about this. We have a lot to work out, you and I, before deciding what we’re going to do.” I really meant what I was going to decide. In my heart of hearts I knew she had already made her choice.

Her smile took on something of the gleeful, then. “Okay.” Her voice clearly sounded of both tears and happiness at once. “I love you…Daddy.” An evil grin I recognized knew too well. She was my kid, alright.

Damn it to hell!

We hugged again and fell to quiet weeping for a while. “I love you, too,” into her ear again. I hoped she could make that out over my blubbering.

If Abram saw me now, my reputation would never recover.

As we said our final goodbyes, her lips quirked in that way I recognized from the mirror every morning, letting me know she really meant it, if I really felt the urge.

I had half turned away when I just had to see her one more time. I turned back her just in time to meet her face approaching mine at speed.

Objectively, I’d have to say I’d had better kisses. I had no explanation other than the obvious, therefore, why this one made my knees weak and my trousers tight. It lingered, as well. I was going straight to hell for my thoughts then and, in that moment, I didn’t care.

We broke our kiss. In a much less teasing tone, “‘Bye, Daddy.” And she walked away.

‘Daddy.’  She had my sense of humour, too. I guessed I deserved that.

* * *

In the three days it took me to get to Noir, I had lots of time to think, smoke, and drink. There was some sleep in there, too. I passed some of the time typing up my last few weeks shorthand notes, getting it straight in my head while the memories were still fresh.

I’d seen more of the Thirty Aions in a short time than most would ever see. I knew things few would ever know. None of that changed me, so I believed.

At heart, I was just a snoop lucky enough to get paid for it. Getting back to that was all I wanted. A part of me wondered if I could really manage it, but my innate cynicism reasserted itself before I was a full day at Sea.

—Gideon Jagged
Innsmouth, October 2026

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